Ok, well I know (and don't challenge me on this), that looking the way I do is not socially acceptable.
I'm 5'10 and bucking the 200lbs mark... needless to say I'm over-weight.
This doesn't mean I'm ugly, but I'll be damned if the world can't make you feel it's so.
Recently I went on the scale and saw that I gained 7lbs (mostly in the thighs and face. Why would G-d curse me so). Anyway I gained some weight and I decide well, I lost over 140lbs I can get the last 20-45lbs off so I'm not eatting any junk food and monitoring my calories. However I still feel disgusting (Not in the Tyra Banks Top Model way).
I know I have self-esteem issues, but it seems to be hard for people to understand how I feel. I don't think I'm that fat most of the time nor to I think I'm unattractive. As a matter of fact, if I were a dude I'd do me and be my boyfriend (it's not hard to get someone to do you, but the committment is lacking...smh). Beyond that it seems quite common that I am relegated to the position of fat ugly friend, sidekick, and cockblocking wingmann (I don't cock block, but some men feel the threat and act on it).
Some men will hit on your friend and then not even say hello to you, as if you are a visual inconvience, but they will acknowledge you if they feel that the one they want may be swayed by you.
Don't do that. You think I can't tell that you throwing your arm around me and talking to me like we're friends for elementary school isn't some way for you to soften me up. Look jackass, I'm not stupid and I live in a world where I can tell and I am made fully aware more often than not, that I'm not to be the object of a gentleman's affection.
Beyond this, the one's I do attract aren't worthy of picking up my dog poop. (Buck-e just co-signed this).
Anyhow, I am a work in progress as many humans are, so I know that sometimes what we preceive may not be true, but it should be seen as valid and not treated as the feelings of a crazed fat chick. My experiences (Note I said MY experiences) have led me to these conclusions.
That I at times am not even worthy of being in the same room as so-called attractive, slim body women.
Making fun of fat people is the most acceptable form of bigotry going around. I have a friend who spent 25min on the train professing how she would hate to have a fat child and while doing so refuse to even look at me while speaking. How am I to feel that having a over-weight child out weighs your concerns for havign a child with severe retardation... really now.
I mean I don't want to dwell on the negative, but one can only take so much. No one can deny that being a so-called "Big Girl" doesn't sit well with society and you are treated as a lesser human for it. I remember a survey in high school showing that these high school girls would rather have AIDS than to be considered obese or over-weight. Seriously?! Well the survey did say they got to look like models... there's your excuse.
Well I guess I can only go on so long about this and feeling like sh*t about not being gorgeous, but hey, my dog thinks I'm cute... lol
I'm done.
Don't forget Love, Charlotte album release party this thursday @ nightingale lounge @ 8pm
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